Can He Really Change?

Can he really change?

That short, four-word question is actually a huge, significant question that carries a lot of weight.  We grow up learning about change - the inevitably of it, the uncertainty it can bring.  We see people change around us - they change their opinions, careers, perspectives, friends, and much more.

But we wonder: Is change possible for an addict/abuser?

If the acting out or the abuse continues, the betrayed partner is desperately wanting him to change.  And it can feel impossible - holding on to the hope that they will change because she wants him to change more than he wants to change.

Signs that He is Changing

But rather than focus on the question of IF he can change, let’s focus on the signs that he IS indeed in the process of changing.  These are signs that there might be hope of a true change occurring:

• He agrees to and completes a full, therapeutic disclosure

• He stops making excuses and stops blaming others

• He makes true, meaningful amends when he causes any harm

• He accepts full responsibility for his behavior

• He is identifying and replacing the distorted thoughts behind his behaviors

• He is identifying, processing, and letting go of his resentments towards you

• He is learning effective ways to mitigate and offset his shame (you are seeing a noticeable reduction in shame spirals)

• He is growing in vulnerability and transparency, sharing things that he was way too afraid to share in the past.  

• He doesn’t sit on secrets anymore.

• He doesn’t declare himself as “cured”

• He doesn’t slack off on his recovery work

• He doesn’t demand credit from you for his recovery work; he isn’t so needy for recognition from you

• He is leaning in towards you instead of acting in (avoiding intimacy)

• He is able to answer your questions about the past (or present) behaviors without being reactive or defensive

• He is developing close, intimate, transparent relationships with healthy brothers who help him hold himself accountable

• He no longer minimizes what he has done to you

• He doesn’t say things anymore like, “why can’t you leave the past in the past” or “you should be over that by now” and other invalidating statements that lack empathy or compassion

• He gladly relinquishes his own freedoms, preferences, and liberties so that you feel safer; he doesn’t complain about what he has had to sacrifice or claim that he feels like he is “living in a prison.”

• He is proactive in rebuilding your safety, instead of reactive.  He doesn’t wait for you to make a request, he thinks of it and takes action

• He doesn’t turn to defensiveness, reactivity, shut down, or make it about him when you are triggered

• He calls a timeout before he says or does things that cause harm to you

• He accepts the consequences for his behavior, without going into self-pity or blaming others

• He is increasingly patient, kind, and loving towards you

• He is not playing around with temptation to lust; rather he respects the power that lust held in his life in the past and he stays far away from the line

• He doesn't watch anything on a screen that might be tempting for him or triggering for you, whether you are with him or not

• He is becoming an overall better human being, and it shows in how he parents, how he treats you, how he does his taxes, his work ethic, how he treats women in general, how he treats a waiter, etc.

• He considers you to be the top priority in his life and it is backed up with consistent action

• You can honestly say that you feel safer than you did 6 months ago

• Perhaps the most important sign: your “inner polygraph” tells you he is changing and he is being honest

The Work Needed for Change

If you aren’t seeing enough of these signs that he is changing, then he may not be doing THE necessary work in order to change.  Some critical work that is required in order for him to really change must include:

1.  Understanding the Origin of his Addiction/Abuse - a man in solid recovery is going to have a basic understanding of why he did what he did.  If he is still blaming you (or anyone/anything else), then he still has a LOT of work to do.  This is absolutely necessary “root” work that he cannot avoid.  If this isn’t happening, coaching can help!

2. Empathic understanding of how his behavior has damaged his partner - a man who has become more self-aware, learned to mitigate his shame, and has let go of resentments, is better able to practice empathy towards his partner.

3. He has made thorough amends to those who were impacted by his behaviors - Is he going through the 12 Steps and has he completed Step 9 - making amends?

4. He has put safeguards and accountability in place to minimize temptations for him and triggers for you - he has created an environment that helps promote health and sexual integrity.

5. He is growing in emotional intelligence - instead of suppressing and medicating his unpleasant emotions, he is developing the ability to recognize, understand, accurately label, appropriately express, and regulate his own emotions.