Healing After Betrayal: The Gottman “Atone, Attune, Attach” Recovery Model

When betrayal is discovered, both partners often feel disoriented, heartbroken, and unsure where to turn. The betrayed partner may experience trauma responses that feel overwhelming and unpredictable. The betraying partner may be flooded with shame, guilt, and fear.

At Joy Recovery, we understand this pain—and we know healing is possible. Our approach is grounded in the Minwalla Model, which honors the trauma and dignity of betrayed partners while supporting addicts in their recovery and restoration of relational integrity.

One of the evidence-based frameworks we use in our couples work is the Gottman Method of Betrayal Recovery, a three-stage process known as Atone, Attune, Attach.

Understanding the Process

Dr. John Gottman’s research into trust, betrayal, and repair provides a roadmap for rebuilding connection after profound relational injury.

The Atone, Attune, Attach process isn’t about going back to how things were. It’s about creating something entirely new—a new foundation built on truth, emotional safety, and empathy.

Step 1:  Atone

This phase centers on truth, accountability, and transparency.

The betraying partner takes full responsibility for their actions, without minimizing or deflecting. Their role is to show genuine remorse and commit to integrity and openness moving forward.

For the betrayed partner, this stage often brings intense trauma responses—grief, anger, confusion, and loss of safety. These reactions are not overreactions—they’re normal and valid responses to relational trauma.

A trained coach provides structure and containment, ensuring both partners are treated with respect and dignity. Together, they begin rebuilding a foundation of safety—slowly, intentionally, and honestly.

Step 2:  Attune

Once initial safety has been established, partners can begin learning how to communicate and connect differently.

Attunement means developing empathy and emotional responsiveness. It’s learning to listen deeply, speak honestly, and honor each other’s realities.

Couples learn practical tools for conflict management, emotional regulation, and rebuilding a sense of “us.” The focus shifts from what was lost to what can be created.

This stage is also about understanding trauma and addiction dynamics—developing compassion without enabling, accountability without shame, and authentic connection.

Attunement builds a bridge between trauma and trust—one caring conversation at a time.

Step 3:  Attach

The final stage, Attach, is about building a new relationship—what Gottman calls Relationship #2.

The old relationship, based on secrecy and trauma, is over. The couple now co-creates a new partnership rooted in truth, safety, and mutual care.

Attachment involves emotional and physical reconnection, renewed intimacy, and shared vision. With new communication skills and restored trust, couples learn to love again—with clarity, honesty, and hope.

True attachment is not about erasing the past—it’s about transforming pain into deeper connection.

Can Trust Ever Be Rebuilt?

Many couples wonder, “Can we ever really come back from this?”

The truth is, healing looks different for everyone. You don’t have to decide everything right now. All recovery begins with one courageous step: telling the truth and seeking help.

Final Thoughts

Healing after betrayal isn’t about “moving on.” It’s about moving through—with compassion, courage, and truth.

Whether you are the betrayed partner, the betraying partner, or a couple working to heal together, recovery is possible. At Joy Recovery, we are here to walk with you every step of the way.

“Recovery begins the moment we choose truth over avoidance, connecti

on over isolation, and integrity over fear.”

Schedule a free consultation today.

About Joy Recovery

Joy Recovery is a trauma-informed, partner-sensitive practice rooted in the Minwalla Model. We specialize in helping recovering sex addicts, betrayed partners, and couples seeking to rebuild safety, trust, and relational integrity after betrayal.