When "Sex Addiction" Masks Abuse: Reframing the Conversation

Typically, if someone is involved in unwanted compulsive sexual behaviors, those behaviors are called an addiction.  The problem lies in the fact that while these behaviors could or could not be an addiction, if the person with these behaviors is in an intimate relationship, the real issue is not the addiction - it is the abuse.

What does it really matter if we call him a sex addict?  Using that term alone creates a downstream effect of problems, which may very well make things even worse for the betrayed partner.  Since the word abuse is often ignored, guess what else is ignored?  

The victim.

If there is abuse, there is ALWAYS a victim.

What is Abuse?

The word “abuse” comes from the Latin word “abusus” which means “to mis-use, to use wrongly, to treat with cruelty.”

The first time I (Roy) was confronted with the notion that my compulsive sexual choices were abusive, I had a strong, knee-jerk reaction:  “I am not an abuser!  How offensive!  I would never lay an angry hand on a woman - much less my partner!”

I had created this stereotype in my mind that an abuser is this balding, overweight, uneducated, unkept, unshaven, middle-aged man who lives in a bad neighborhood wearing a wife-beater shirt who drinks too much and hits his wife.

How could that possibly be me?

However, as I delved deeper into the definition of abuse, I realized that my actions – the lies, the betrayals – constituted a profound misuse of my partner's trust and a significant act of cruelty. This realization was a crucial step in my journey towards understanding the harm I had caused.

What if it was “Just” P0rn?

We understand that some people downplay the impact of p0rnography use in relationships, often dismissing it with phrases like 'It was just p0rn...I never slept with anyone...why is she so upset?' However, we firmly believe that if p0rnography use violates the implicit agreements within an intimate relationship, it constitutes abusive behavior, regardless of whether or not it qualifies as an addiction.

P0rnography use within a relationship rarely exists in isolation. It often forms part of a broader pattern of abusive behaviors, including gaslighting, lying, manipulation, and blaming, which have a significant negative impact on the emotional and psychological well-being of the partner.

P0rnography use can be a significant betrayal of trust in a committed relationship. When partners agree to monogamy, this often includes an unspoken understanding that they will prioritize their emotional and physical connection with each other. P0rnography use can violate this trust, leaving the betrayed partner feeling hurt, deceived, and devalued.

Shifting the focus from addict to victim

When we solely focus on the term 'addiction,' the emphasis tends to gravitate towards the individual struggling with the compulsive behavior and their personal experience. However, when we acknowledge that these behaviors can constitute abuse, the perspective shifts. We begin to recognize the impact on the partner, acknowledging their pain, betrayal, and the violation of trust.

The Dangers of the "Addiction" Excuse: Shifting the Focus from Victims

When celebrities find themselves embroiled in scandal, a common tactic is to declare themselves 'addicts' and seek treatment in rehab. This raises questions about the true motives behind this strategy. Is it a genuine attempt at self-improvement, or is it a calculated move to garner sympathy, avoid accountability, and maintain their public image?

The Harvey Weinstein case serves as a stark example of how the "sex addiction" defense can be strategically employed to mitigate blame and shift the focus away from the victims. Faced with numerous accusations of sexual assault and harassment, Weinstein's defense team attempted to portray him as a victim of a "debilitating disease" – sex addiction.

This strategy is not uncommon. By framing the perpetrator as a victim of their own disease, the focus shifts away from the harm inflicted upon the victims and towards the perpetrator's internal struggles.

The common perception of addiction often portrays individuals as helpless victims of a disease, stripped of their agency. This notion suggests that addicts are powerless to control their behavior, that their actions are solely dictated by the disease itself. However, this view oversimplifies the complex reality of addiction. While addiction can significantly impact an individual's brain chemistry and behavior, it does not entirely eliminate their capacity for choice. Individuals still possess the ability to make decisions, exercise free will, and ultimately, take responsibility for their actions. 

The Danger of Caretaker Syndrome: Prioritizing the Victim's Well-being

When betrayed partners seek our support, they often inquire about their partner's potential addiction. While addiction may play a role, we want to be clear: the behaviors described often constitute abuse. Regardless of whether the partner's behavior is driven by addiction or other factors, the impact on you is real and significant. You are not responsible for their behavior, and you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. It's crucial to recognize that you are a victim of abuse and to prioritize your own well-being.

When we primarily focus on the label of 'addiction,' the focus often shifts towards the perpetrator's recovery journey. The betrayed partner may find themselves inadvertently becoming the caretaker, obsessing over ensuring their partner attends meetings, follows the 12-step program, and engages in therapy. This dynamic can leave the victim's needs neglected. By acknowledging the abusive nature of the behavior, we shift the focus to the victim's well-being and prioritize their safety and healing.

Safety and truth

When a betrayed partner is trying to manage the betrayer’s recovery, we need to see it for what it really is - a victim’s pursuit of safety and truth.  These are the two things that victims desperately need.  They start thinking that maybe if he goes to this 12 step program or this residential treatment center or this recovery intensive then he will stop the abuse and tell me the truth about what happened.

“But if We Don’t Treat the Addiction, We Might Lose the Relationship!”

The worst-case scenario isn't the potential loss of the relationship. The worst-case scenario is the reality you're living in right now: an abusive relationship. You are not responsible for this abuse. Your safety and well-being are paramount. Whether or not your partner can overcome their challenges is a separate issue. Their recovery is not your responsibility. Your focus must be on creating a safe and supportive environment for yourself.

The Minwalla Model

We strongly advocate for the Minwalla Model, which reframes the issue away from the concept of addiction (this model doesn’t even mention the word “addiction”). This model posits a single core problem: 'deceptive sexuality.' This problem manifests in two key aspects:

• Compulsive, Entitled Sexuality: Characterized by uncontrolled sexual urges and a sense of entitlement to engage in these behaviors. 

• Integrity and Abuse Behaviors: Including lying, gaslighting, manipulation, and other tactics used to conceal and maintain deceptive sexual behavior. 

The ultimate consequence of these intertwined aspects is significant trauma inflicted upon the partner and family.