Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

"Once a cheater always a cheater." This phrase can spark quite a debate within sex addiction and betrayed partner forums, rarely eliciting a neutral response.

Those who disagree with this maxim often reconcile with the betraying partner. This likely stems from their desire to move forward in their relationship, perhaps after finding understanding and forgiveness, or by embracing a hopeful and positive approach to their future together.

Conversely, those who subscribe to "once a cheater, always a cheater" often believe that the only respectable course of action after infidelity is separation. They view cheating as a reflection of ingrained character flaws or even underlying psychological issues in the cheater, making repeat offenses inevitable.

Which perspective is right? Ultimately, both perspectives have some validity.

A Case Study

This case study examines the behaviors and motivations of an individual who engaged in an extramarital affair, drawing parallels to common infidelity patterns and exploring the underlying psychological factors.

An individual, let's call "Fritz," experienced a period of infidelity during his marriage. His acting out behaviors included looking at acting out materials and relationships with acting out partners.

The consequences of his acting out eventually included a painful discovery, upon which Fritz entered into recovery. His recovery plan included therapy and a 12-step program for sex addiction.

Years Later: The Unexpected Encounter

Five years later, well into recovery and sexual sobriety, Fritz unexpectedly encountered a former acting out partner at the grocery store. Did Fritz quietly turn around and leave the store?

Nope.

He made his way to the aisle she was on, pretended like he was surprised to see her, exchanged a few words, and gave her a hug before leaving the store.

Justification

The justifications that sex addicts develop for their acting out are a testament to their ability to manipulate reality. Addicts actively engage in a process of self-deception, creating and refining a story that allows them to reconcile their actions with their self-image and moral values. This narrative often involves selective recall, the distortion of facts, and the creation of false narratives to support their chosen justification.

In order to clear his conscience, Fritz actually did tell his partner when he got home about the chance encounter. He explained that it was "awkward" and he just walked away. He totally left out the fact that there was a conversation and a hug. This is a classic case of lying by omission and gaslighting his partner by controlling the narrative.

Fritz reassured his partner that "nothing happened" between them, that he kept a safe distance from her and there would be no more contact between them. In reality, he looked up his former acting out partner on a social media site later that day and began looking at her updates.

Fritz' self-talk was something like this: "I don't feel like there is anything wrong with me looking at her social media. I'm not acting out. I'm just curious what is going on in her life."

I bet you can guess what happened after a few days. Yep. He eventually contacted her via social media.

His self-talk then? "The more I think about it, the more I need some closure. I feel like I have something that was left unsaid to her. And it's too personal to send through a digital message. I just need to have one face-to-face conversation to tie a knot in this chapter in my life."

"Unresolved issues" from an affair years ago was his rationale for meeting up with her again.

Once a Cheater...

Fritz' story exemplifies a common MINDSET (way of thinking) among sex addicts who act out. This mindset is characterized by a sense of entitlement, allowing them to pursue sexual or romantic activity while simultaneously maintaining their primary relationship. It's also marked by self-serving justifications that minimize the impact of their actions on others.

This is critical to understand: acting out is from a MINDSET, not simply a question of opportunity or a moment of weakness. Acting out is NOT caused by a failed marriage, imperfect relationships, childhood trauma, or failures in the betrayed partner. Acting out is a direct result of a betrayer giving himself permission to cheat.

Always a Cheater?

Betrayers often present a façade of remorse, claiming that their acting out was a one-time occurrence and that they have learned from their mistakes. They may attribute their acting out to a host of unfortunate circumstances, arguing that such a situation is unlikely to repeat.

However, this narrative often lacks genuine self-reflection. If the underlying mindset and false beliefs that enabled the acting out remain unchanged, the potential for future acting out is quite high.

"Show me someone's beliefs and I can predict their behavior. Show me someone's behavior and I can tell you their beliefs."

It's crucial to understand that dissatisfaction alone does not cause acting out. If this were the case, everyone would be unfaithful, constantly seeking to escape perceived inadequacies in their lives. True betrayal stems from a deeper issue: a disregard for commitment, a lack of respect for one's partner, and a self-centered focus on personal gratification, regardless of the consequences.

Entitled Thinking Can Resurface

Cheating often reflects a sense of entitlement, where individuals believe they are deserving of a "more perfect" life, regardless of the commitments and responsibilities they have to their partners and relationships. This entitlement often overrides any ethical considerations or concerns about the impact of their actions on others.

Despite Fritz' "recovery" and five years of "sexual sobriety," it is strikingly obvious that he did NOT do the necessary work of renewing his mind and changing his way of thinking.

In other words, he did not do true recovery!

Fritz didn't understand what was happening in his own thinking. He did initially seem to deceive himself into believing that he was sincerely pursuing closure (not resuming acting out) and that his actions weren't technically unfaithful or harmful to his partner.

This illustrates how many sex addicts inch towards acting out, making micro-adjustments to their thinking after every action without discerning how this carries them again into dangerous territory. Instead of staying 5 feet away from the line, Fritz is dancing on it!

In other words, it is often very clear (initially) for the sex addict to only see the concrete actions that are undeniably "acting out" without seeing the smaller acts of addict thinking in which they've already engaged in.

Change

It's logical to assume that sex addicts who do not address the underlying mindset that led to their acting out are unlikely to change their behavior in the long term. If the distorted core beliefs that contributed to the acting out remain unchanged, the potential for future out persists.

"Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything." -George Bernard Shaw

It's crucial to distinguish between changed BEHAVIORS and changed THINKING. Fritz's story exemplifies this: while he may have outwardly demonstrated changed behavior for a period, the underlying mindset that enabled his acting out remained unchanged. When presented with a triggering situation, his previous behaviors resurfaced, highlighting the importance of addressing the root causes of acting out - his core beliefs.

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater?

It's inaccurate to categorically state that someone who has cheated will inevitably cheat again. While past behavior can offer insights, it doesn't guarantee future actions.

True change requires significant personal effort, including self-reflection, critical examination of personal core beliefs, and addressing unrealistic worldviews. This involves a deep dive into one's own motivations and behaviors, acknowledging and addressing any underlying ways of thinking that have contributed to the acting out.

Support

If you are wanting to do the deep work of recovery and change your mindset so that you never act out again, we can help.

In order to renew your mind, we take our coaching clients through a process called the 3 R's: recognize, reject, and replace. We can walk you through the journey of identifying the root cause of BOTH acting out behaviors and abusive behaviors: your core beliefs that drive your behavior. Once we identify those core beliefs, we can challenge them. Then we are ready to replace them with a practice called "cognitive restructuring."

There is hope. You can stop the acting out and the abusive behaviors. Let's get started!